Who Is Actually In Charge Here?

(The Secret to Ending Dinner Table Power Struggles)

Mum, Dad, or the adult who looks after me... can I let you in on a secret? Dinner time shouldn't feel like a high-stakes negotiation where we both hungry and stressed. You’re worried I’m not getting enough veges, and I’m putting my foot down.

But the science guys, specifically a brilliant feeding expert named Ellyn Satter, figured out a way to completely call a truce. It’s called the Division of Responsibility, but I like to think of it as the "You Do Your Job, I’ll Do Mine" rule. When we mix up our jobs, everything goes pear-shaped.

To understand why this rule is such a game-changer, you have to understand a pretty amazing fact about me: I’m still learning to trust my body.

My body has been talking to me since the day I was born. When I was a tiny baby, I cried when I was hungry, and when I'd had enough milk, I just stopped drinking. I wasn't counting calories or following a strict meal plan; my body was sending me signals, and I was listening.

As I grow, those signals get a bit more complicated. Sometimes I'm absolutely starving after a massive day at kindy, and other times I only feel like a tiny bite. Just like adults, my appetite changes from day to day, and that is completely normal.

My Hunger Changes Every Day

Think about yourself for a moment: do you eat the exact same amount of food every single day? Probably not, eh? Some days you're hungrier because you've been busy out in the garden or gone for a long walk. Other days you're less hungry for dinner because you had a stressful day at work or a late afternoon snack.

I'm the exact same. If I've been running, climbing, and growing, my body needs heaps of fuel. If I'm coming down with a cold, or if I had a big afternoon tea, I'm naturally going to want less at dinner.

I'm Still Learning What Hunger Feels Like

Even though my body sends me these signals, I'm still sorting out what they actually mean. Sometimes I realise I'm hungry because my tummy rumbles, but other times I just become super grumpy and throw a massive tantrum before I even notice what's wrong! Sometimes I stop eating because my tummy feels nice and comfy, and occasionally I eat a bit past full because I'm distracted or excited.

If we're being completely honest, heaps of adults aren't exactly experts at this either, eh? If you think about it... how many times have you skipped lunch because you were flat out at work, only to turn into an absolute rager by 4 PM? Or how often do you eat way too much because of those old beliefs you grew up with, like having to finish your plate, not wanting to waste food, or just because it tastes bloody good?

Learning takes heaps of practice. Just like learning to read facial expressions or ride a bike, learning to understand my body's inner signals happens over many years. If you grown-ups still get caught out by "hangry" meltdowns or overeating sometimes, you can see why I won't get it right every single time!

You Have an Important Job… and So Do I

Because I'm still practicing, we need a solid team strategy. This is where that Division of Responsibility contract comes in. It’s just a fancy way of saying everyone knows exactly what they are in charge of.

Your Job: The Big Three (What, When, & Where)

You are the adult, which means you are the executive chef and the event manager. I need you to take total charge of three specific things:

• WHAT food is offered: You choose the menu. You decide if we are having lamb chops, pasta, or stir-fry. (Just please remember to include at least one safe, familiar food on my plate so my internal security guard doesn't panic!)

• WHEN we eat: You set the routine. You decide when it’s time for breakfast, lunch, snacks, and dinner. This helps my tummy learn when to expect fuel.

• WHERE we eat: You choose the environment. Usually, this means sitting together at the table, safely strapped into my high chair, or sitting on a comfy chair, away from TV or iPad distractions.

Once you’ve done those three things, your job for the meal is officially 100% complete. You can take a deep breath, sit back, and relax.

My Job: The Final Two (Whether & How Much)

The second the plate lands in front of me, the baton gets passed to my team. I am the sole boss of the final two decisions:

• WHETHER I eat it: Yep, you read that right. I get to look at the selection you provided and decide if it's going into my mouth today.

• HOW MUCH goes into my tummy: Some days I am a bottomless pit who wants thirds. Other days, I am going to eat two licks of butter and declare I'm absolutely stuffed.

This doesn't mean I get to demand ice cream for breakfast! It just means you provide a safe, healthy routine, and I get to practice listening to my body. We're a team.

Please Don't Ask Me to Ignore My Body

Sometimes you might say, "Just three more bites," or, "Finish your plate." I know you're only trying to look after me because you're worried I'll wake up starving in the night, or you don't want good food to go to waste.

But every single time I force myself to eat when I'm already full, I am ignoring my body's safety switch. If I do that too often, it makes it a little bit harder for me to recognise that full feeling next time.

Instead of telling me how much to eat, you could ask me:

• "How does your tummy feel?"

• "Do you think your body needs a little bit more, or have you had enough for now?"

Those questions are amazing because they help me look inward, teaching me how to trust myself.

Trust Takes Time

Learning to trust my tummy takes ages. Sometimes I get it totally wrong. I might hop down from the table early and then come crying for a snack twenty minutes later. Or I might eat way too much just because something tastes absolutely amaaaaazing.

So, what do you do when my tummy gets confused and I come begging for food right after dinner?

When I say I'm finished, you can gently tell me that the kitchen is closing down soon and the next food will be breakfast. If I still want to leave the table, you just have to trust me and let me go.

But when I come back a little bit later complaining that I'm absolutely starving, the secret is to stand strong but give me heaps of love. Instead of getting cross or telling me you told me so, you can wrap me up in a big hug and say:

"I hear you. Your tummy is feeling empty. It’s hard when we don’t eat enough at dinner time. The kitchen is closed now, but we will have a really yummy breakfast together in the morning."

It sounds a bit tough, but it is actually the kindest thing you can do for me. If you panic and make me a piece of toast or give me a packet of chips, my brain doesn't connect the dots. I won't learn that leaving the table makes me hungry later. I'll just think dinner doesn't matter and that the kitchen is open all night long! Going to bed with a slightly empty tummy won't hurt me, it is just a safe way for me to learn how to listen to my body for next time.

The exact same rule counts if I wake up crying at 2 AM with a rumbling tummy. If you bring milk or food into my bedroom in the dark, my clever brain updates its software instantly. I learn that skipping veges at 6 PM gets me a cozy midnight feast with you later, so I will keep doing it.

Instead, cuddle me in the dark and hold that same boundary:

"I know,.......... Your tummy is empty because you skipped dinner. The kitchen is closed until morning, but I am right here. Let's snuggle until breakfast."

Experiencing that natural rumble at night is how my brain finally connects the dots. It teaches me to actually eat at dinner time.

If you stick to your three jobs, and trust me to do my two, the dinner table stops being a big battlefield. I get to learn how my own tummy works, you get to eat your dinner while it's still hot, and by 7 AM, I will be absolutely running to the breakfast table ready to eat.

A note for my neurodivergent friends

If my brain is wired a bit differently, like if I have ADHD or Autism, my internal tummy clock might not work the same way. Sometimes I truly cannot feel my hunger until I am completely starving, or a rumbling tummy might feel really scary and painful instead of just empty. If that is me, I might need extra safe foods on my plate, and we might need a slightly softer plan for the nighttime while I learn. (A softer plan means offering a boring bedtime snack like plain toast right before brush-teeth time, or eating that same plain toast quietly at the kitchen bench at 2 AM so my tummy feels safe but the middle of the night stays unexciting.)

Deal?

A wee quesiton for you...

Can you remember the last time you ate way more than you needed just because the food tasted so good? Or totally forgot to eat because you were super busy?

Our adult bodies don't always get it perfectly right, and my little one is still practicing. Thank you for helping me learn to listen to my tummy!